The Most Unwelcome Place


You know the one place where you’re sure to never be wanted? The elevator. Everyone enjoys his alone time in the elevator. When that door opens and a stranger walks in to join you in that tiny space, it’s like someone just shot Santa Claus. When you’re alone, it’s like driving in your car or lying in your bathtub: you can sing out of key, pose in front of the mirror, jump up and down, adjust your gonads, frolic in your odours and adopt your favourite outrageous kung fu stances.

The worst is when you get onto the occupied elevator on floor #12 and push the button for floor #9, while everyone else is going to the ground floor. You can almost taste the hatred, ’cause you’ve slowed their voyage down by two unwelcome stops.

Ever got into the elevator alone and quickly push the “door close” button, just as others are rushing down the hallway? Oh, they know you did it. But it doesn’t matter, ’cause in a few seconds you’ll be gone and they’ll still be waiting. Every now and again, though, they’ll be a tad faster than you thought, and manage to squeeze in just before the door closes. Then the awkwardness begins, because they know you just tried to shut them out. You just look straight ahead or pretend to send a text on your phone. But you can feel the death stare on the side of your face.

Even more awkward is when you were actually trying to push the door open button when they barely rush in. Doesn’t matter that you were trying to hold the door for them, it looked like you were closing it, because for some reason they make elevators with the “close” and “open” buttons right next to each other. You still get the death stare, but it’s even worse because this time you didn’t deserve it!

Just sayin’.