News of Wat and Some Really Old Dad Jokes
“Fun fact: You know that vaguely disgusted feeling you get when you see a hairless cat? That’s how chimpanzees feel when they look at us.” –Katie Herzog
Now if that doesn’t make you a vegetarian, I don’t know what will.
My Woman Lerves Me
The Blonde Weirdo who is bound to me by civil tradition, pet stewardship and other customary intimacies has made a lovely picture book about our relationship. I won’t share it publicly with you because it is PRIVATE. But I’m so pleased with it, in particular how she has perfectly captured our images, that I’m allowing you to see this:
Of course, no exposition of our relationship is complete without mention of the fur baby who consumes my attention and fortune. Here he is waiting in the snow outside of a burrito place, convinced that the Blonde One has deliberately denied him access to all that Mexican goodness:
And because I can’t just post ONE photo of my handsome boy, you also get this glamour shot:
My days are spent dog sitting him during the day while I find increasingly tepid excuses for not getting my work done. What’s his excuse, though? Well, this:
The Ten Year Challenge
Have you heard about this nonsense? Facebook people posting pics of themselves today and 10 years ago, presumably to show how much or little they have changed? Well, maybe it’s a scam by Facebook to gather data to perfect their aging algorithms. I don’t know. Nor do I care. I just wanted to post mine.
So here was me back in 2009:
And here I am today in 2019:
It’s like I don’t age!
This Week in Web Browsing
Here are some fun things I found this week…
(1) A dick neck is better than a dick head
(2) A hard Brexit makes me soft
(3) The most popular woman in the PTA
(4) This one is for my fellow statisticians who are sick of the terms “big data” and “machine learning.” It’s just multivariate statistics, people! Nothing new here!
(5) Gay or not, Bert and Ernie are just evil.
Here is some leaked footage of Theresa May returning to the official home on Downing Street.
Here is a ranking of rappers based upon the size of their vocabularies. I officially hate rap. There, I said it.
I’m so glad to be alive at a time when this news is possible.
These Are Jokes
A couple of decades ago when the Internet was new and the world was young, I ran a daily joke service. I had hundreds of subscribers to whom I would send a joke every single day. And they were all deeply offensive jokes. I am very proud of that service.
Today, of course, that would not fly because the world is filled with humourless jerks who believe in “compassion” and “empathy” and “respect” and not hurting people unnecessarily. Bah. Who needs that shit. Since I have left Facebook, I feel I can now share a *few* of those jokes again. So here is a sample:
“A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.”
“I’m so excited to finally get a dad bod. It’s the first time I’ve ever had a father figure”
Q: What do you call an Irish fella trying to break up a fight?
A: Liam Malone
Q:Why do Asians often have small boobs?
A:Because only A’s are acceptable. (Shut up, it’s a freakin’ joke. Christ almighty.)
Q:Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
A: So men can remember them. (See? I can be sexist against men, too)
Q:What’s the difference between a flying pig and Trump?
A: The letter “F”
Q:What do you call a fear of over-engineered buildings?
A: A complex complex complex.
Q:What do the twin towers and gender have in common?
A:There used to be two of them and now it’s a touchy subject. (Shut up, it’s a joke.)
Q: How do you stop a man getting into your home?
A: Replace the door locks with bra fastenings.
Q: What do you call an Indian dating site?
A: Connect the dots. (See? A joke about MY people!)
Q: What did the potato say when it answered the phone?
A: “Aaloo?” (It’s a Hindi joke. Work with me.)
“I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.”
“Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.”
Okay, not a classic among them. But you’re reading this for free, so you get what you pay for. At this pint some of you are thinking, “And this is why don’t belong on social media anymore. Lame.”
News of Wat
This coming Saturday, I will be giving the keynote address at the 2019 University of Ottawa Healthcare Symposium. Having been on sabbatical for many months now, I feel very much out of practice with respect to public speaking. I’m looking forward to getting the kinks out:
In other news, I recently saw my old Science Monkey co-host Dr Graham Sanders. Want proof? Here it is:
Oh, I have a new Separated at Birth. Oh, and I have another Separated at Birth.
And here we go….
Jan 6 – corn flakes with apple and almond milk, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Jan 7 – Broccoli soup, spinach salad, sauteed kale, my mother’s Guyanese bara, a cranberry ’roundup’, and tamarind sauce.
Jan 8 – Same as above, but with some crunchy Indian things.
Jan 10 – Two cranberry roundups with peanut butter, curried channa, rice, avocado, and apple.
Jan 13 – My ONE egg meal this month! Yay! Egg white ‘zen scramble’, side salad, and banana bread French toast, all from The Standard in Ottawa.
Jan 14 – Oatmeal with apple and almond milk, toast, hummus, a banana, and an avocado.
Jan 15 – Bean and peanut salad, bagel, salsa, and hummus.
Jan 16 – Bean, peanut, and coconut salad.
Jan 17 – Bean and peanut salad, bagel, apple, hummus and salsa.
Jan 18 – Lentil soup, bagel with peanut butter, quinoa, and apple.
Jan 19 – Oatmeal with almond milk, jaggery and apple, toast, my mother’s Guyanese ‘bake’, avocado and banana.
Jan 20 – Oatmeal with almond milk, jaggery, apple and soy lecithin, two pancakes and two hashbrowns.
Is This All There Is? Is There No More?
No. There is no more. I leave you with this observation: crowded elevators smell different to really short people.
This ends your weekly dose of really old Dad jokes.