…London, Ontario.  Not London, UK.

I lived in London, Ontario, for six years in graduate school, and hated every bleeding second.  That was more than a decade ago, and I still hate that armpit of a city.  I’m back there right now for a conference.  Believe me, I have no nostalgia for this horrid, horrid place.

I’m staying at the Hilton.  Yes, that Hilton.  The one that pours change into Paris Hilton’s bottomless and pointless purse.  The staff here is pleasant.  But this is turning out to be one of the worst hotel experiences of my life.

It’s now past 11:pm.  I’m up late writing my talk for tomorrow.  But let me break down the events of my stay here…

First within minutes of checking into my room, the maid shows up wanting to clean the room.  Um, I just got here.

This morning at 8:30AM, another maid bangs on my door, wanting to clean the room.  It’s 8:30AM!  What hotel guest is ever up at 8:30AM?

All day, there are loud drilling noises coming from the room next door.

My bathroom sink does not produce cold water, only hot.  Scalding hot.  Ever try brushing your teeth with scalding hot water?  I don’t recommend it.

I settled into my room at 9:00pm, hoping to order some room service and get some work done.  Guess what?  My room service menu is missing from the room.  So I drag on my coat and head out into the London night to find some food.  But every fast food place I find is CLOSED.

Finally, I find a Chinese restaurant that’s filled with people.  So I go in.  I’m promptly told that they, too, are closed.  Interesting that their lights are on, their door is open, and there are people in there eating.  Yet they are closed.

So I return to the hotel room, call the front desk and ask them to bring me a room service menu.

Half an hour later, the menu has not arrived.  So I call back.  There is no answer.

Ten minutes later, I call back and get a human being and demand a room service menu.  Ten minutes later, it arrives.

By that point, though, I’m pretty pissed off.  So a Facebook friend goes online and finds me a Thai restaurant that will deliver to the hotel.

So I get on the phone and order a Thai meal.  That was 40 minutes ago.  It is now almost 11:30 pm.  I’ve been now trying to get a meal in London for 3 hours.

Man, how I hate this frakking place.