So I promised I’d present my theory of what the fuck is going on on ABC’s Lost. So here it is, as of viewing episode #3 of season #2. Keep in mind that I reserve the right to change my theory as the show unfolds. For those of you who do not watch the show: tough titties.

As is becoming clear, the island is the site of a series of paranormal experiments which began in the 1970s (hence all the stylish memorabilia in Desmond’s hatch). What kind of experiments? Well, my first instinct is to say ultra-magnetism studies, since magnetism has been known to affect human psychology. But ABC has launched a new weird-ass website: The Hanso Foundation. (Keep in mind that on the show, Alvar Hanso funds the weird experiements.) On the site, it is suggested that Hanso was interested in research on life extension, electromagnetism, extra-terrestrials and, among other things, remote viewing.

I suggest that many of the castaways were in fact unknowing subjects of Hanso’s experiments. It explains Walt’s apparent psychic abilities, Hugo’s affinity for the mystic numbers, which he might have seen in a remote sensing vision. The electromagetism or life extension may explain Locke’s miraculous healing.

The monster is mostly a storytelling metaphor, but Rousseau did suggest that the monster is merely the island’s “security system”, much like the shark, which astute viewers have noted was banded with the Dharma Initiative’s swan logo. So perhaps it’s just a machine that can broadcast fear.

And what of the “others”? Might I suggest that they are failed experimental subjects, now gone mad?

You know, the more I think about this, the less sense it all makes. Maybe I should just sit back and enjoy the ride like everyone else.