Interview With a Five Year Old
I’m a university professor, which means that I’m supposed to deal daily in matters of the intellect. This is, of course, debatable. I have, in the course of my work, reveled in the company of people whose IQs are scarily high. Even so, I’m starting to suspect that the smartest person I’ve ever met might just be my own five year old son. No pressure there, kiddo.
Now, you and I might define “intellect” differently. I don’t want to get into that right now. The point I’m trying to make is that despite his very young age, I’ve learned to pay attention to my son’s opinions and insights on matters in which he has zero knowledge and experience… even when those insights are complete nonsense.
So, why not? Why not present him with the pressing matters of our time? That’s exactly what I did. And here are his responses.
Question #1: What should we do about rising unemployment rates?
Answer: Ask people for ideas for jobs they might like to do.
Question #2: There’s a loneliness crisis now. What should we do about that?
Answer: If you see a lonely person, you should help them.
Question #3: There’s a homelessness crisis. What should homeless people do?
Answer: They should check their phones to see if there are any empty houses near them.
Question #4: Some people don’t like their brothers or sisters. What should they do?
Answer: Fight them.
Question #5: Right now the USA is not being nice to Canada. What should Canadians do?
Answer: We shouldn’t buy their stuff.
Question #6: Some people don’t have doctors because there aren’t enough doctors to go around. What is the solution?
Answer: Ask someone to find them a doctor.
Question #7: Some people aren’t happy. What should they do to be more happy?
Answer: Get a tissue and wipe their tears.
Question #8: Some people don’t have enough money to buy the things they need. What should we do?
Answer: People should give them money.
Question #9: Right now, the world is getting warmer and warmer. We call that ‘Climate Change.’ What should we do to stop the world from getting too hot?
Answer: Stay inside until it gets cold again.
*Pause*
He continues: But, Dada…. what if it doesn’t get cold again?
All right, there’s no Nobel Prize in his immediate future. But that last answer….. chilling.
